the weeks are over! after much strife and the longest weekend i've ever had, it's finally over and i can (kind of) get some rest. i'm catching up on all my sleep, and getting ready for whatever inevitably comes next (seems to be the project, even though i am looking forward to doing it, so it's not so bad). stats, an absolutely colossal amount of data, and research? what's not to like? i am going to dig deeper into the hordes of numbers soon, hopefully i can build some kind of intuition about what it's trying to tell me. i have seen many people discuss what they perceive intelligence to be (in comments of numerous posts, naturally), and this is my entry. i know someone is knowledgeable of something when they're not afraid to intuit something, especially when it's a harder science. a professor was recently spitballing values in a calculation we were doing, and that made me feel more reassured about his grasp over the subject, and over my learning. i stick by my statement: you know something when you feel it.
i've been thinking about choice recently, and what it means not to choose. it's very easy to minimise the count of choices you make, living the "default", as it were. [whenever i use words like this, i always get curious about their etymology, so here: from latin de- ("away") + fallo ("deceive, cheat, escape notice of"), src: wiktionary. so to default is just to be away with cheating?] but i'm sure there's some philosophical theory of choice and its influence on self. (a quick search does not yield much except a few links to linkedin, researchgate (which i have been told not to rely on much), and a site with a dialog in the right half of the site. struggling with your essay and deadlines? get your paper done in as fast as 3 hours, 24/7.
this does not inspire confidence in the rigorousness of the argument. sam made me confront this concept, and aren't we (almost) always defined by our choices? and as such, it's all in our hands. this thought both terrifies and reassures me, because there's nobody i trust as much as myself, and yet, i have to trust myself?
i spent a few years writing obsessively, like it was my oxygen, and practically quit entirely around the time i started college. ky reblogged a poem which made me think of that choice, and i think i made the right decision, and i do feel good about being back now, with this, maybe in a style that suits me more, in a more sustainable way.
in months.
i’ve lived humbly, reading the paper,
pondering the riddle of power
and the reasons for obedience.
i’ve watched sunsets-
- adam zagajewski, tr. pádraig ó tuama, transformation